Paralyzed

These days I find myself wanting to move toward working again but I am frozen with fear. The only thing I’m sure of is that I will not be moving toward a church any time soon, if ever. The last church dealt with my stepping down from a position that I truly hoped would eventually become a staff position by avoiding any frustrations that I voiced and then, in one final blow, told me point blank that I stepped down because it was my pattern and that it was a good thing that I left when I did. No wonder people are moving away from organized religion as recent articles have stated. We go to church hoping to find others who are seeking ways to live out their faith instead of resorting to crushing generalizations. Mediation was offered but why would I step into mediation if everything was already my fault? Why take another chance of being blamed for everything?

Previously, I had years of encouraging spiritual formation through programming. I was always surveying small group material and trying to find the best teaching videos because people had such little time for prep. They would grow if I found the right study guide and a video to put in their hand. Now I know (and Willow Creek Church has confessed after a thorough study) that spiritual formation cannot be programmed. Information is wonderful and vital but people need to experience authentic relationships committed to love and community in order to experience the gospel.

Our small group has kept the focus on getting to know each other and laughing together while doing things like watching “Napoleon Dynamite” and eating tater tots. We have no programming but have had great discussions. We are building community and genuinely like/love each other. I have no doubt that if someone voiced a frustration that the entire group would give their time and energy toward dealing with it. That doesn’t happen in a church. Focus is on the task, the event, the numbers, the publicity, and so on… with little energy left on the intentional focus of working through disagreements. I know there are exceptions in churches and it is not as black and white as I am describing it here. I’m just sharing my own personal experience in more than one church.

I know some people think we left because we wanted our way with how things were done on Sunday mornings. The truth is that we would have never joined in the first place and encouraged others to join if we had been told from the beginning how Sunday mornings were really going to go. We were very clear about our hopes and dreams for a church that drew in others already disillusioned by their past experiences. Now we stand outside with the rest of the disillusioned and hold out hope that somehow it’s still possible to find ways to love God and love each other.